+401 days

We went to see mom, dad, and Lorna again today. Things were much much better! My father has settled in, and mom and Lorna told me that he'd had a (mostly) peaceful, happy, and mellow day.

Good Changes:

• The Problem with the hospital-type bed not being about to rise high enough so that he could sit up and get in and out of bed was fixed by adding an extra pillow under him.
• Dad was in a diaper. This is good not only as a precaution for when dad can't get his pee bottle quick enough / get to his potty quick enough, but also because I believe Lorna made the suggestion that he'd be better with a diaper, and it seems like my parents were able to listen to her and take her advice
• On the subject of Lorna, she has become a stabilizing force in my parents home! It was pretty obvious that mom was grateful to finally have help.

Bad Changes:

• There was a problem getting the safety railing on side of the bed to move up and down
• Dad is having panic attack episodes. He will start with short, shallow breathing and if he has a pad, scribble like mad and then panic that whoever's there (a) figure out what he's after and (b) do it immediately. We're all worried that he might kill himself by not breathing properly

As for me: I was happy that I could be with dad. I was VERY relieved that the emotions that had been summoned up the week before - The echoes of my own time in hospital when I was ready to die - were related to the hospital and not to seeing him. I helped mom and Lorna in getting him into and out of bed.

One moment with dad

"Dad," I said, "it is hard seeing you like this. And I know for you it must be so much harder. But at the same time, I am glad that I can be here with you. It is important to me not only as your son, but for all that you did for me - how I became your priority #1 when I was sick with my cancer. I want you to know that it is important to me that I look back on this time and I can say to myself that I didn't flinch; that I was right there with you."

He smiled, and I gave him a hug