Aversion to assessing one's self

My parents are totally adverse to assessing themselves, and have passed this down to my sister. Beyond that, I/we (Caroline and I) think that this is a very American value - don't think about whether what you are doing is making you happy/content; instead, use your place in the social strata, your salary, your politics, and your technology (TV, radio, mobile phones, social media) for self-affirmation.

I don't think this was ever how I wanted to think, but for a long while, society - as well as my parents - pushed this on me. I am very grateful to Caroline for getting me to think about how I use technology, and more generally about the things I invest in emotionally. It seems to me for those living by external expectations of who they should be, it is a recipe for nearly constant dissatisfaction for nearly everyone.

Christmas 2019: I Hate Big Gatherings

We celebrated the 4th night of Hanukkah (it was also Christmas, which we don't celebrate) with my parents last night. As per usual, my mother insisted that we must hold a big party at her house.

My mother did

• Nearly all the cooking (although she let Caroline make the latkes, and I think she sent Sophi or Jon out to get a pair of rotisserie chickens)
• Hung all the decorations
• Wrapped all the presents
• Took care of dad
• Organized the invitations
• ...Basically everything

As I've chronicled, she's been exhausting herself taking care of dad well before we had this party, so now she like, really really really exhausted. And you know what? Exhausted people are so much fun to be around...

My father

• Pulled out his feeding tube again a couple nights before. Which actually wasn't the worst thing, as in he'd already managed to effectively destroy the feeding tube cap (non-replaceable) before that.
• Was feeling sick and in a terrible mood. And I was tasked with sitting with him and trying to cheer him up; it didn't work
• Was very short tempered with everyone, especially mom
• Wouldn't take his feedings or his medicine

My sister

• Held court talking to her sister-in-law Adie about
• How wonderful and beautiful California is
• How awesome her Peloton cycle is, and how it has changed her life
• How stupid her children's friends parents are
• ... And when she was done she spend the remainder of her time on her awesome phone

My brother-in-law

• Was on his phone and spoke to no one, as per usual

When the party was done...

mom

• Lost the yogurt container containing the syringes she needed for tending to dad
• Poured dad's pain relief medicine down the sink
• Blames dad for everything

And dad

• Yelled at me and Caroline to help mom find the syringes / yogurt tin
• Yelled at mom that he was in pain and needed his pain medicine
• Got an broken up ibuprofen pill that mom has smashed up (in lieu of the medicine she'd poured down the sink) stuck in his feeding tube, and yelled (more like grunted angrily) at mom
• Wrote me an email at 3:30 AM apologizing, but also noting how frustrating mom's care and her inability to accept help is to him
• Blames mom for everything

My parents

• Can't communicate. And so they are never going to solve these problems

Why oh why do we need to do big gatherings?

12/15/2019

Six days to the "shortest" day of the year. My father is still improving from his hip infection. Called my parents (aka "the folks") yesterday: They said don't come over, "we are saving energy to go to a concert"... they still haven't adapted to the reality of where dad is in life. They still need the challenge and to push past the limits. I can understand this thinking, but it just seems to me so insensible to not adapt to reality. Nothing I can do about it though. They are not the listening type.

So about me:

Yesterday we went to synagogue. I wanted to go in particular to meet up with a friend who had sent me a very sweet note of love, advice and encouragement. (I can definitely use all the love, advice and encouragement you all have for me right now) Entering the synagogue, I broke down in a little cry - overwrought with emotions. All that is going on with my dad, all that is going on with setting up my business, and then about how many wonderful loving friends I have, and how many blessings - how many miracles - God has bestowed on me. What a life! I am at once proud of who I am, and humbled by the how loved I am. I am overwhelmed by the challenges set forth before me, and comforted to have Caroline, Anna, and Alma helping me navigate through more than I ever thought I could. When the friend I had gone to synagogue gave me a long, deep hug, listened to me and just let me know that she was also there to help me navigate, I felt such thankfulness to God and to life for putting me in this place where life truly does transcend me, but where I have a backbone of love from my friends and my family to help me get through it.

I am crying now. It's a lot... But I'm doing it! They say that to whom much is given, much is expected... And so SO much has been given! The only way I have to express this is "life transcends me".

Thank you friends. Thank you